What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
