she takes plan B like it's going out of style
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
