I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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