What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
