I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You have to summon your inner elephant
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
