Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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