Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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