A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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