thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
