me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
