I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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