The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
