I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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