Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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