We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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