I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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