the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
jump out the window naked night went bad
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
