Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
