party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
