Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
