if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
