i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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