Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
