omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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