you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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