so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
