Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
