why didn't you poke me back
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
