Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
