he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?