ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....