I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
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