i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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