Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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