why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize