They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
