i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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