Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
