I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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