After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
