everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
