Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
