Me. At least after what I've been through.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
