At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
