You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
