when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
