I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
