seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
