A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
