I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
