dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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