i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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