when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
