i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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