why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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