i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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