I wish I could teleport
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
