This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
