Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
