allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
