Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
