Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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