is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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